it seems i have not been allowed to stay too angry.

my older brother is scheduled to return from Iraq in September! (he'll be back before his oldest's next birthday in October, which everyone --especially Kairi-- is really excited about.)

my sister in law called us yesterday to let us know that the cut off date for shipping things to him is August 15th. the thing that's cool about the cut off date is that it really really means he'll be coming home. we've heard alot of speculated dates for a long time, but now he really is coming home! hurray!

8D

so ya, i'm excited.

thank you for all your well-wishes and to all of you who have been concerned for me! your kind comments have been a great gift to me over the past few days~  (thank you, especially, linnet and steven, for keeping me company all those times i asked for it ^^)

CHAD IS HOME. he is home, we have a diagnosis for the kind of depression he has, he's got appointments with a therapist lined up, and medication geared better toward helping him overcome his difficulties. there's still plenty of fight left ahead of us, but i think we're pointed in the right direction.

WOO!

[EDIT]
WE TALKED TO HIM OH THE RELIEF.

he did NOT make an attempt. he went to the hospital when he was feeling the inclination to. oh chad, you're such a good boy. OKAY. we're going to see him tonight at 6:30 and take him some clean clothes and things.

From Saturday night:

I am so lucky and so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who care about me and are so willing to do so much for me. After all that has happened today, I don't think I can ever doubt my own worth and the power of service and a smile ever again.

A few of you already know what occurred today; we don't know for certain because he refuses to speak to us, and as such the hospital cannot release any information, but it seems clear that my younger brother attempted to take his life again last night.

He seems to have impeckable timing~ the first time was the eve of my 20th birthday. This time, the eve before the giant fundraiser and my father's first job interview since being laid off last October.

As it would turn out, I am eternally grateful for this dinner. A few years ago I began practicing the idea of performing a service to someone else when you're feeling down or lost. This is certainly the biggest down and lost I've felt since that night before I turned 20 and here was, literally gift wrapped, the perfect service opportunity. With the help of so many members of my ward and the incredible, irreplaceble help of the Spanish Branch sisters, the help of my parents and grandmother, the help of my girls, we managed to amass enough money to send all the girls to Camp, fully paid.

I've never put on a big dinner/auction like this before, so it was hard and stressful, and I had no idea what I was doing, but I was able to spend a day when I should have been wandering the halls weeping, lost and frightened, serving and smiling. Saying thank you never gets old. I gave out so many smiles and thank you's to the deserving and wonderful members of my church. They spent all evening telling me how wonderful I am for putting together such a great evening and telling me I'm great, but all of that praise belongs to them. They have no idea what a service they did for me, how much they took care of me, and kept me together so that I could perform that service back for them.

But now I'm alone and at home, which is not what I want to do, because I feel the fear and despair I feel when thinking of my brother's situation trying to break through the glow of love that I've been clinging to all night. I don't want to give into it, because I know how that place is. I know what it feels like to be that afraid-- I went through it two years ago.

And yet again, the people who love me come to my rescue. I am so lucky, I am so fortunate, to have friends who will jump up the second I need them and be there for me. I am so grateful, and yet at the same time I mourn for my brother, that he would feel so lost, going through life without the knowledge that he is so deeply, deeply loved. I hadn't cried a single tear all day, but their immediacy, their support brought those tears that I've held inside for my brother out.

I am so lucky. I am so blessed. I don't know how I came to deserve all that I have, but thank God for it all. I will never doubt that my life is worth something, because it must be for me to receive so much love so frequently and so readily.

what does one do when they realize that their father has become the kind of old person who tells the same stories over and over again?

DUDE.

MY FAMILY WENT TO THE ACADEMY OF SCIENCE WITHOUT ME TODAY.

THAT IS NOT COOL.

*shakes fist*

*sigh* i wish i could just move away.

it has been a crazy passed little while.

not bad.

but crazy.

so i went to disneyland over the weekend--- but that's got a blog coming all its own coming up.

i got home at midnight monday night and of course didn't get to bed til much later, then had to get up and go to school, where in my first class i had to take an exam xD;; on my anthro lab class we just finished the osteology unit, so i got to spend an hour identifying various bones and other features of the skeleton. with, like, no studying xD;; but i know i didn't do worse than a B. for some reason, i have no problem with knowing the skeleton.

but anyway.

today was an interesting day, though xD;;

i had the girls today, and i ended up mildly sick. i had a bit of a fever and a FABULOUS headache. luckilly, emi slept late so she only woke up shortly before i had to get kairi from school.
(oh my goodness, she was ADORABLE when she woke up D: she was so HAPPY. i lifted her from her crib and she screamed with glee and threw her arms around my neck and kissed me several times; and wouldn't let go xD it was so cute. i hadn't ever had an emi hug, though i've heard about them from her mom and dad ^^)
so once kairi was home, the headache an intensified and i got really drowsy, but i made us lunch and put on cartoons for kairi. radar decided he wanted to lay in the sun outside, which i was extremely grateful for, since the girls love him quite literally to death lol but eventually emi got cranky and went down for a nap, and so kairi agreed to let ME go down for a nap... and not long later, i woke up to the sounds of plastic rustling, and kairi came out of the kitchen with her mouth clamped down quite tightly, but obviously very full.

you see, kairi has started up this new thing. she tried to sneak sweets; especially when we've told her she couldn't have any. i will bet you money that she had spent my entire nap standing in the kitchen, eating my bag of toosie rolls.

i asked her what she was doing and if she was eating candy and she shook her head quite vigorously, but couldn't speak because, obviously, she had a mouthful of candy. i made her swallow it, questioned her further, and when she threw a tantrum.... i stuck her in her room. then went back to sleep xD;; you might say that's a bit harsh, but really, separating her from the group is the only thing that seems to get the point across to her. sooo.... when she starts to tantrum, she goes to her room xD;;

BUT.

so. to her room she went. and back to the couch i went, where i went back to sleep. woke up later when emi woke up.

aaaand then i got my surprise from emi XD

*T.M.I. WARNING*
(you have been warned)

i entered her room to find her naked butt sticking up in the air, her face planted in her dirty diaper. there was poop EVERYWHERE. soooo i took her poopy naked self and stuck her in the bathroom and turned to get the water running in the tub, turned around and found her standing in the hallway, peeing on the carpet.

siiiiiiiiiigh xDD so both emi AND the carpet got a bath.

emi actually is really fun in the bath. she makes these great faces when you poor water on her. sometime i'll have to photograph her xDD i'm sure none of you would be HORRIBLY offended by pictures of an incredably adorable naked red headed baby xD

*END OF T.M.I. WARNING*
(this was not a test)

the thing i was most grateful for was the fact that emi was in a cuddly mood today, so she and i just sat and chilled on the couch xDD;;

so now i'm home, exhausted, and not looking forward to my history test tomorrow. i have to write 2 essay outlines, and tomorrow i have to actually write one of them.    i have a hard time concentrating on this sort of thing to begin with~ i would much rather just dive in and write the essay. and on top of it all, i've got a powerful headache which is showing every sign of becoming a lovely migraine.

siiiiiiiiiigh i really don't want to do this.

buuuuut here i go.