today sucks. today just really, really sucks.

i got some news about camp that just really really pisses me off and worries me and has me feeling really down and exhausted and deflated, and has had me crying my eyes out for the past hour. and now i'm just so exhausted, buuuuuut.... i dunno, as of right now i am having a hard time wanting to leave on Saturday.

we're not cooking for ourselves up at Camp this year. because it's "too hard" for the ward leaders to take cooking equipment up to Camp. which i think is total crap.

it sounds stupid, and it probably is. i'm probably too invested emotionally into Camp, i'm probably too attached to it for my own good. but every year i see some piece of the camping portion of Camp get chipped away, and every year i feel like Camp is slowly losing an incredibly important part of what makes it so special.

i dunno. i was going to go all into it and write it all out but i'm just too tired for it. which leaves everything looking pretty lame, like, why would she be so upset about this?? the girls don't do hardly anything for themselves anymore, and where is the learning if you're not doing? if you don't work hard and gets your hands dirty, how can you ever learn? how can you ever build relationships and figure out about teamwork if you're not actually working together? teenagers are only willing to learn so much from being talked at in a classroom setting~ so much of a true gaining of knowledge comes when you're not even necessarilly looking for it.

i dunno. i'm just upset. and i'm sick and tired of leaders who are more concerned about how hard it'll be for them and not concerned enough about creating a full and well-rounded experience for the girls.

Camp is for the GIRLS. it is for THEM to learn and for THEM to try new things and be challenged. so when i get there, i'm going to do my best to be positive and enthusiastic, despite my own personal concerns and worries. i might be incredibly upset, but like i said-- Camp is for THEM. not for ME.

 i have decided that there are not nearly enough opportunities in life to sing Camp Songs.

i have had what i am going to call now, A Very Good Day :D

it started out pretty good~ i was able to pinch myself a ride to work, so i got to sleep til 8:30am (of course, i was up until almost 2am watching House with linnet and steven, but that is hardly the point XD), made myself a pretty delightful lunch...

then work exploded xD;; things that were due turned out to never have been ordered, things that should've come in with the friday deliveries didn't come in at all, and for some reason i could do nothing but screw up! i felt pretty stupid by the end of my shift. (if there's one thing i hate, it's feeling incompetent)

around 4pm i realized, ".....ah crap. i have to go to that church camp out thing and lead in singing." i had gotten myself very comfortably into that i-am-in-a-bad-mood-and-want-to-go-vege-at-home-and-be-miserable states, so the idea of going somewhere and having to be cheerful (if not downright rediculous with silly enthusiasm) was just awwwwwful---

well, 6pm rolls around, dawn (lovely lady from church) picks me up, and we go to the camp site.

I AM SO GLAD I WENT.

like i said-----

there are not nearly enough opportunities in life to sing camp songs.

i wish now that i had asked for saturday off D: i would love to have been able to stay all night.

the very first thing that happened when dawn and i arrived was get plates shoved into our hands XD (oh, mormon gatherings-- wonderful things! good food!) roasted pork, salad, watermelon (camp tradition ^_~), rice, cake, chips, and of course--- Camp Drink (ingredients: water, sugar, and yellow.). i sat at a table and chatted away, made fun of Brother Smith's severe dislike for zucini and large christmas star decorations for houses.... and generally had a lovely time :D i impressed everybody with my Premium Skills and The Cup Game (someday-- someday-- i will take a video of myself playing the cup game XD you have NO idea how awesome it is)... and felt a little better :D

at one point, a couple of the Young Women from church grabbed me and said, "dawn wants to look at the song book!" so, abducted by 2 12 year old girls, i was rushed over to the stage/fire pit area, and giggled and sang songs XD

everyone slowly gathered about. some adults looking uncertainly upon those of us who were on the stage, with clear looks of, "we aren't going to have to do that, are we?". the kids, who are some of my favoritest people EVER, very quickly became fidgety and giggle, anxious and excited for what was to come.

as dawn, jessica, brianna, and myself poured through the song book, each choosing our very favorites, i could feel the tight knot of Angry in my chest slowly loosening. it meant alot to me that dawn would ask me to help her out with the singing, and that brianna and jessica would be so quick to want to hang out with us-- it's funny, i spent my entire youth waiting with a passionate sort of enthusiasm for my 18th birthday-- i could not wait until i could be free of the Young Women's program (all young girls 12 to 18). of course, i was MUCH too cool and rebellious for THOSE girls.... now i want so badly to be a part of it again! i spent 2 years trying to separate myself from the young women, trying to find "myself" (or whatever you call it)... and i now i just want to go back! maybe it's because the girls i was in the program with were not-so-nice, or something, but wow... i wish i had appreciated the program when i was young, and hadn't tried so hard to be Too Cool for it.

ANYWAY.

so without even trying, dawn and i slowly amassed a whole crew of singers xD;; at one point i felt something small fall against my leg and i look down into the absolutely ADORABLE, unbelievably SWEET, you can help but LOVE this little girl, face of clair eagar :D who grins, takes a deep breath, and says, "TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY." which is when i noticed the 8 other little children gathered around us xD;; we had a team :D they sang and danced with us all night.

it's funny--- dawn and i both expected that the whole thing wouldn't take all that long-- and hour or two, and we'd be back home. well. um. no. we started at 7pm, and between our songs and the other little games and skits and things, we didn't leave until 10pm xD;;

this isn't going to mean much to many of you, but..... ask me if i care. go ahead. ASK ME. we sang:
[EDIT] oh ya, we started it with a round of "Shake Your Booty" :D
1.Sippin' Cider
2. The Canoe Song
3. Anne Marie
4. Humpty Dump
5. Energize Your Body
6. Your Mama Don't Wear No Socks (lead by my team o' sparkly youngin's :D)
7. The Shark Song (also lead by my little kiddies :D)
8. Happy Birthday (for claire :D WHO IS SO CUTE.)
9. i played the sun in a skit entitled, "The Dumbest Thing You've Ever Seen" (which i am determined to play at my next family reunion.)
10. held a Penguin Race
11. i attempted to fill a pair of mighty shoes and lead a hunt as Tarzan Of The Apes
12. Mormon Boy
13. and lead a round of "Liahona" (<-- probably, if i were forced to choose, my very favorite camp song)
(i feel like there were more songs than that D: ah, well lol)

and every time we, the singers, would sit down for someone to tell a story or sing their own song or tell a joke, little tiny smiley Claire would curl up next to me and lay her head on my thigh and say, "you're really really nice to lay on. you're really comf-or-ta-ble." and at one point she said, "you remind me of my mom." which, if ANY of you know claire eager's mom..... i was way flattered D: i told her i really like her mom and she looked at me with very serious eyes and said, "i love my mom." them grinned and told me it was her birthday again XD OH. MY. GOODNESS. that little girl is SO SWEET. i have to say it again. SO. SWEET.

anyway, all in all, i had a really nice night, and i'm really glad i did go. i talked to the bishop (who is a really awesome guy) afterward and suggested that we hold a ward camp out every year and he nodded, "i was thinking the same thing." he went to Girls' Camp for the first time this past summer, and i think he's been really aching for another Camp-like experience. everyone does after they go D: i wish i could take all of you to events like this-- they are so FUN and so WONDERFUL... it's always awesome to watch the concerned and "ha-rumph"-y expressions melt off of the faces of the adults at these events. to watch them embrace the silly part of themselves that they sometimes hide away or lose sight of, you know? it's the kids. their enthusiasm and willingness to fall into a pile of giggles and rosey happy faces is so... enviable. i wish i could let go the way they do!

it pulled me right out of my gloom, made me stop mentally bashing myself... like, hey, here's something i can do. if there's one thing i know i can do well, it's girls' camp stuff ^_^;;

but ya--- it was great, great fun. i hope i don't contemplate skipping out on a thing like that ever again. AUGH, i wish i was still there! DUDE! if we do make this an annual thing like bishop was saying, i am SO there. i will be there SO HARD.

and then i got home and my Stephen Colbert "Wrist Strong" bracelets where waiting for me :D in a giant box XD;;; wow. people just don't know how to package. AND I WILL WEAR IT ALWAYS. until i meet someone more famous that me and i have to surrender it. but i dunno... after being the apple of claire's eyes tonight, i don't think there IS anyone awesomer than me ^_~ (have i mentioned yet how in love with that little girl i am????)

anyway, that was my day :D very good.

LINNET AND STEVEN. WE NEED TO HAVE A NOTHER HOUSE-A-THON. AND YOU NEED YOUR BRACELETS.

PS - I DON'T HAVE AN ENTHUSIASTIC ENOUGH ICON TO GO WITH HOW ENTHUSIASTIC THIS BLOG WAS MEANT TO BE. THIS IS A SHAME.

[EDIT] -- I HAD TO CHANGE THE SONG I WAS LISTENING TO BECAUSE E-YO IS TOO PERFECT. BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, I LOVE THIS SONG TOO TOO MUCH.